Monday, March 22, 2010

Lame Losers Lamenting Life

Warning: This is a public service announcement for all well-meaning brothers and sisters across the land. Please heed the message provided below and conduct yourselves accordingly.

It has come to the attention of the Lunatic committee that there has been an alarming increase in backbiting and complaining among black men and women in regards to the state of black love.
The committee has decided to call this the Quad L disease because it really boils down to lame, losers, lamenting life.

This spate of whining has been noticed by the majority media, which has subsequently pimped it out as a way to provide fodder for books, articles and other sundry forms of entertainment.

The Lunatic committee would like to reiterate its documented position that this new "crisis" in black relationships is not, in fact, new.

Nor does the committee believe it is a sign of the end times. Moreover, the committee is sorely disturbed by how many men and women are willing to cast the blame on the opposite sex without taking a good hard look in the mirror.

Consequently, the committee feels compelled to issue the following public service announcement to protect well-meaning brothers and sisters from their bitter and blind counterparts.

It is our hope that this warning, and the guidelines that accompany it, can maintain some happiness in the hood.

1. Any black man or black woman who inserts the phrase "See, that's why I don't deal with black men/women" into ANY conversation is not worthy of air. They should be shunned, and if possible, they should be showered with hot piss. (Shout out to CNu.)

Not only is it a blatant example of self-hating coonery to indict your race based on your own limited interactions within that race, but it takes a special person to actually vocalize these feelings to people of their own race.

Hot piss for you!

2. Anyone who enjoys engaging in extended diatribes detailing the ills of black men/women must be able instantly provide references that attest to their own impeccable character as a mate.

These references cannot be family members, and must have proof that they themselves are not Quad L sufferers.

All complainers who cannot provide these references or show independent proof of their impeccable character should be slathered with steaming caca.

Slathered I say!

3. All adults or near adults seeking to enter into a productive relationship must swear a binding oath to hold their prospective mates to the same standards they themselves are willing to live by.

To be clear, this does not mean that you expect your mate to live the same way you live, or that you expect them to think the same way you think.

This means that for every benefit of the doubt you extend to yourself, every shortcoming you overlook, and every excuse you make for your own failures, you must be willing to extend the same courtesy to your mate for whatever they desire.

So, if you have a habit of spending too much money on clothes because of your love of fashion, it is not enough to allow your mate to spend money on clothes as well. Instead, you must allow them to spend an inordinate amount of time sating their video game fetish to truly be making an equal sacrifice.

If you are unwilling to make this pledge, shut the hell up about what men/women won't do in relationships.

4. Anyone who inserts the phrase "Why do black men/women do this?" into a conversation must be able to provide three examples of black people they know doing said activity. Furthermore, they must be able to document how this activity is unique to black people.

If a person is unable to document said activity as something unique to Negroes, it can no longer be used to denigrate black folks, or as a reason for complaining.

If you are too much of a Quad L sufferer to abide by these rules and cease your petty and counterproductive complaining, the committee has an observation and a suggestion.

First, you suck at life.

Second, please take a vacation from Earth.

This has been a message from the Lunatic committee. Questions and comments can be left at the end of the post, or directed to the email address listed on the right.


Big Man, Chairman and Emperor.



Kit (Letters To A Young Sista) said...

Oh hell, that was awesome, Big Man. I like them all, but especially #3, and the following suggestions.

BTW, today I began a mellow new blog different in appearance and content from my usual one. It'll target feminine issues, and by default, some with overlap with men's issues. I invite you and your readers to visit and share your thoughts.

~ Kit

Letters To A Young Sista

Deacon Blue said...

I'm only here to comment so that the spam won't outnumber the real people. Because, after all, it would be hard for me, melanin challenged as I am, to comment on this post.

However, I will note that I picked up a copy of Essence that my wife bought the other day and Jill Scott was commenting on this issue a little, in terms of why it stings for many black women to see a black man with a white woman.

Which has, clearly, caught her some flak:

Dirty Red said...

This post was great Big Man. If you don't mind I am going to copy and paste this to one of my friends that swears on every White Woman in the world that Black women ain't shit and never will be shit. He does everything that you mention here. I wonder if this post will strike a nerve in him?

Yeah, I know I ain't shit......

Big Man said...

Dirty Red
Those kinds of cats need to be confronted. I actually wrote the piece cause a partner of mine was complaining about one of those cats who he knows, and I decided to see if I could come up with some ground rules.

I've met these cats and man, it's nothing that grates on my nerves more.


What the hell is up with all this spam? It's crazy.

Anyway, I'm surprised Jill Scott caught flak.

Raving Black Lunatic