Get Up

Most people love attention.

Not just any attention, mind you. Nobody likes being followed by the police or store employees. Many folks despise being ogled by the opposite sex. Yet, very few people enjoy being ignored.

Unfortunately, folks aren't satisfied with a little attention, they often want the whole world focused on them. They want to be showered with praise, feted with flattery and have their butts kissed until they're wearing chapstick drawers.

And that's why folks so many folks have been infected with N.Y.A.U.O.T.

NYAUOT, or Nigga You Ain't Up On This, is a peculiar disease that causes patients to go to great lengths to prove they are ahead of the curve when it comes to some subject. That could be fashion, or cars, or movies, or music, or books or women, or pretty much anything that allows you to flaunt your futuristic sense of, well, something.

NYAUOT is typically acute in middle school and high school, but some folks can show signs of a serious infection well into adulthood. In fact, some scientists believe that the disease has reached pandemic status worldwide as more people have been able to tell how "up" they are based on the Internet. Not only is the net a wonderful source of information and porn, it is also the best way to glean info on obscure crap that is sure to delight other small-minded individuals.

Males who suffer from NYAUOT can often be identified by outlandish clothing worn in a self-conscious, yet arrogant manner that begs for others to notice them. Typically, they cast furtive glances around crowds to see who is watching them, and they have perfected the art of lame disinterest in their surroundings.

They prefer European cars, or the latest vehicles popular among yuppies. They tend to listen to CDs that can only be purchased on-line, and roughly every third sentence they like to work the phrase, "Well, you probably haven't heard about this..." into their conversation. Their disease may be confined to areas like sports, fashion or music, but often unfortunately many NYAUOT sufferers have taken a holistic approach to the disease. Everything in their lives is designed to elicit envy or at least responses like "Never heard of that" or "So, where did you get that from?"

While serious cases of NYAUOT are more common among men, infection rates among women are increasing exponentially. Women sufferers typically can be identified by ridiculous displays of conspicuous consumption usually marked by label whoredom.

These women often compete ferociously to date the same small group of men who bang and discard them like cheap firecrackers, but they will still feel justified in questioning another woman's taste in men. Unfortunately, women infected with NYAUOT mistakenly believe they possess all of the qualities any sensible man would want, and think it is their duty to tell the world all about their wonderful characteristics.

Often, these women go out of their way to show how "different" they are from "basic" broads. Sadly, these attempts to show difference, like embracing wanton sex, obscure musical references and questionable choices in clothes, do not actually enhance their appeal, but instead label them obviously as being infected with NYAUOT. Their attempts to get ahead of the curve have instead led to wholesale regression.

NYAUOT is a growing danger in our world today. It can only be combated by constantly and forcibly reminding NYAUOT suffers that they are not special. This can be done kindly, or cruelly, but it must be done if we have any hope of stemming the tide of this problem in America. When someone begins to display symptoms of NYAUOT, such as excessive bragging, name-dropping or general douchery, it is imperative that countermeasures be taken instantly.

You've been warned.

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