An Open Letter to "You People."

To the Black people of America
Black People Land
United States



Dear Negroes


I'm not sure exactly if I should use that word, but most of the history books I've read use it at times, and I want this to be factual. My name is Eton Binderhurst IV, and I am formally applying for my "magical white boy" pass.

As you all may know, I have been a friend of black people for years. It began in elementary school when I befriended the only black kid in my Sixth Grade class and invited him to play basketball with us at lunch so he would be welcome. I even explained to my other friends that he was cool to hang out with and not angry or mean at all. I really liked that black kid. He had this cool wavy hair that was great to touch and much nicer than my normal, straight brown hair.

In high school, I played on the football team with several African Americans. I would even offer to tutor some of them in the off season so they could stay eligible, but none of them had rides to the library. Instead, they wanted me to come to their neighborhoods. I didn't have a problem with going to their 'hoods, but my mom would have worried about the car.

In college, I dated a black girl because I wanted everyone to know that color wasn't important. Initially, it didn't seem like our relationships would work, (she got really angry when I told her that Ashley didn't seem like a black name), but together we got past her bitterness towards white people and really connected. She even came home for Christmas one year, but that just turned into another fight when I introduced her as "my friend from school." I explained to her that my grandparents could sometimes be a little racist and that's why I didn't call her my girlfriend, but she got all "angry" and whatnot. Eventually, it was too much work trying to figure out where she was coming from and we just broke up.

Now, I consider myself a stridently colorblind and open-minded white guy with a great love and appreciation for black culture. I've seen Friday more times than any white guy I know, plus I still have a framed picture of Martin Luther King Jr. in my bathroom. Of course I'm supporting Obama, and I really think he will move us past all the racial divisions in this country.

All these factors are why I think I deserve a "magical white boy" pass. See, too often conversations between blacks and whites get derailed because black people take offense at statements that are based in the reality of being white. People claim that want to have open, honest discussions, but as soon as you bring up the need to make Affirmative Action class-oriented, or ask why black people don't like education, the whole exercise turns into another round of whitey bashing.

Now, I know that black people have a special connection to each other, a special bond that allows them think and act in unison at times. How else can you explain their love of gangsta rap and sagging pants? I also know that there are certain white people who can say just about anything to their black friends without repercussions. Consequently, I know that there must be some sort of special pass that allows white people this ability, and I would respectfully request one.

Look, I have tons of black friends. I'm always talking to the black guy, Leroy I think, who sits in the cubicle across from mine at work. And the black lady at the sandwich shop in our building, I forget her name, she and I always talk about the weather and my ties. That doesn't even count my black neighbor that lives a few doors down in my condo building, or Ashley from college who I still talk to on Facebook.

I think I can be the white person that bridges the gap between blacks and whites if I'm allowed to speak honestly and openly without having to worry about being called a racist. Honestly, black people use that word way too much from what I've seen. Many of the white people they consider racist don't seem racist to me at all, and I think this hurts black people when real racism rears its head. Look at the Duke Lacrosse case.

The pass would allow me to use words like "nigger" or phrases like "you people" without having to worry about the racism police locking me up. Seriously, you people really need to stop being so uptight the word nigger when white people say it. Words only have power if you let them have power, plus, black rappers and comedians say nigger all the time. It makes no sense that some people can say nigger and other people can't. No other group does stuff like that.

That's another thing. Black people need a white guy like me breaking the ice with other white people because honestly blacks do a poor job of making white people comfortabtle around them. Have any of you ever had to go to club where you were the only white face and deal with being called "white boy" or have all the girls laugh at you when you want them to dance? That's really not cool.

I also think that with a "magical white boy" pass, I can eliminate some of the damage black leaders like Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson have done. These guys make it so hard for black people. There are always just waiting to swoop down on some perceived racism; it's just sickening.

In closing, I appreciate the opportunity to present my application to you all for your consideration. I know that black people have had some problems in the past, but I think this is a great way to start taking personal responsibility and solving them. By granting my request, black people would be showing that they are finally ready to have real discussions about race, and they are willing to listen to what white people feel.


Sincerely


Eton Binderhurst IV
Progressive Liberal