We Need to Talk

Hey Big Guy, how is it going?

Yeah, I know it's been a long time since we talked. I had a little confusion back when I was deciding whether I wanted to use the Methodist or Episcopalian hotline. But, I found the right number.

I thought we needed to talk. I heard You might have been a little perturbed by that joke ad I made recently about the other guy. You know the one using the old Jew movie with the gun guy. Some rumors reached my ear that You weren't pleased with me making fun of anointing, or the whole Ten Commandments ordeal, the whole shebang.

My bad, Big Guy.

Things are getting tight down here. This kid is really giving me all I can handle, and well sometimes in the heat of battle things happen. You've been in battle, the Old Testament is full of them, so I know You understand where I'm coming from. When you're fighting gooks, niggers and commies, sometimes it's just easier to let emotion take over and worry about what's right later.

It really is easier.

I know it was little disrespectful to cast him in the light we used. Not just disrespectful to him, but also to You and the folks who really believe that God can raise up leaders for certain times.

But, come on, most evangelical Christians were perfectly okay with me poking fun at miracles and all that jazz. That didn't seem to care at all that I had turn their belief that God inspires leaders into one big punchline. It's almost as if their religious outrage was dampened by the fact that I was making fun of that kid with the big britches.

So what's the big deal?

I'm tired of losing to this twerp. With a few funny and mean attack ads I've eliminated his lead and now I'm right back into this thing. You know I'm the best person for this job, who else understands the plans You have for America's conquest, I mean, coexistence with the rest of the world. I deserve this job, and I don't expect one little slip up to make You forget just what I've sacrificed to get it.

Look, I just wanted to talk to You for a little bit. I heard You were unhappy and I wanted to let You know that things would be all right. That I understood what really needed to happen even if You might have been a little confused.

Just leave it up to me.