I Like Me...But, Is It Really Me I Like?

I read a pretty interesting article in the New York Times about mirrors.

Recently, I decided to start a workout plan to lose a lot of weight and get into tip-top shape. I don't like to discuss it with people; in fact, I've taken to acting confused when folks comment about my small weight loss so far because I don't like their comments. I really do not understand why folks think it's polite to comment on the weight of fat people. Would they like it if I commented on their body image every time I saw them?

I think not.

Anyway, in the article there was a particularly revealing passage that discussed how we as humans create our self-image. Here is a snippet of it:

For that matter, humans do not necessarily see the face in the mirror either. In a report titled “Mirror, Mirror on the Wall: Enhancement in Self-Recognition,” which appears online in The Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, Nicholas Epley and Erin Whitchurch described experiments in which people were asked to identify pictures of themselves amid a lineup of distracter faces. Participants identified their personal portraits significantly quicker when their faces were computer enhanced to be 20 percent more attractive. They were also likelier, when presented with images of themselves made prettier, homelier or left untouched, to call the enhanced image their genuine, unairbrushed face. Such internalized photoshoppery is not simply the result of an all-purpose preference for prettiness: when asked to identify images of strangers in subsequent rounds of testing, participants were best at spotting the unenhanced faces.

That got me to thinking. I've noticed that I gravitate towards mirrors that I think portray me in a positive light. You know the ones that make you look a few pounds slimmer, or make the light hit your face just so. It's so bad that I will only use certain mirrors in my house because I don't want to feel bad about myself before I go off into the world.

But, what really struck me was the concept that many of us not only choose favorable mirrors to check out our outfits, but we try to find those same mirrors when it's time to take stock of our characters and souls.

Self-examination is a painful and difficult process and one I'm convinced nobody ever really perfects. Some of us are more willing than others to consider our motives and our biases, but most of us just create an image of ourselves that we like, and then walk around believing that's who we truly are.

For a long time, I thought of myself as a generally decent guy that people respected for being honest and up front. Imagine my surprise when I discovered through a few friends that many people thought I was crude, arrogant and lacked social skills. It seems my penchant for speaking my mind wasn't actually endearing to most people, and rightfully so because I was arrogantly assuming that everybody wanted to know what I thought about everything.

In another case, my brother had a painful discussion a while back about how he feels myself and the rest of the family view him. He believed that I didn't respect him, didn't think he would accomplish his goals and was constantly putting him down. Initially, I reacted with anger to his comments, pointing out all the times I'd supported him, all the times I fought people to protect him and the myriad of ways that I looked out for him. But, then I considered my actions from his point of view, and I realized that at times when I thought I was playing the role of protective big brother, I was really marginalizing him and not showing him the respect he deserved as a man.

Both incidents made a huge impact on my self-image and my behavior, but I would have never known about them if I kept peering into the same internal mirrors I used everyday.

Another blogger said the other day that sometimes writing a blog can become a lot like screaming in an echo chamber. Most blogs attract like-minded people who want to have their worldviews reinforced in an entertaining and creative way. Very few people are going to constantly click on a link that sends them somewhere that doesn't make them feel good. I'm as guilty of this as everyone else.

Yet, stepping outside comfort zones and inviting new mirrors into your life is the best way to get a true representation of yourself. It forces us to re-evaluate all of our blemishes and beauty marks. It can give us a new appreciation for who we are and what we have accomplished, or it can send us back to the drawing board to figure out where we went wrong.

Mirrors do more than just reflect, they also refine.

What do Y'all Think?

And here is the article that accompanies the picture.



Pretty lame in my opinion, but I'm sure media folks will think this is the right path to take in dealing with all the "complaints" about the New Yorker cover. After all, how can the "public" think to tell trained professionals how to do their jobs.

Sometimes my career choice just seems like a really effed up decision.

Lies That Sound True

Follow up to yesterday's discussion.

Why so many sisters be lying?

Before the eyes start rolling and folks get pissed off, I don't mean that black women just lie in general. Nah, I don't say stupid shit like that anymore.

What I'm talking about is when sisters put on their "progressive, liberated, open-minded" mask in order to look good in public. It's the same mask worn by a lot of the sisters who commented on this post by The Field Negro.

Now, this doesn't have anything to do with the post Field made. His comments were on-point, and any man who has ever been in a relationship with a woman understands how you have to use trickiness to sneak peeks at random fine sisters. My pops passed along a great strategy to me once I got serious with wife, but before we were married.

Pops said that when you're out with your wife and a fine woman is approaching, you take your time and enjoy the view while the woman is a good distance off. Then, when the woman gets right up on you, you barely give her a glance as she walks past. Just a brief head turn, but no real looking. See, if you didn't look at all, your woman would be suspicious, but if you take that quick peek then she is convinced you're not really interested. And you've already gotten the extended view without your wife noticing.

Genius.

Field's post wasn't the problem. The problem was all the intelligent sisters who commented on it and started lying through their teeth about how they don't mind if their man looks at beautiful women while they are out as long as it's done in a respectful manner. They said their men don't have to use subterfuge because they would even go so far as to point out fine sisters for them to look at.

A bunch of damn liars.

There may be some sisters who truly are confident and cool enough to encourage their men to check out that stallion in a halter top and daisy dukes, but I ain't met them. Maybe some women are so secure that when another woman with a bright future behind her walks by, they are the first ones to pat their man on the arm so he can appreciate the view.

Like I said, I just ain't met them.

Nah, what I've found is a bunch of beautiful intelligent women who tell you that it's okay to check out the menu if you're fasting, but then rip you a new asshole when you start examining the daily specials. A much larger new asshole too.

Look, I don't begrudge women the right to get mad when they catch their man sneaking a peek. I'm not one of those men who is going to argue that y'all should be ok with it because we're just looking. The Good Book says that the devil loves to work with the lust of the eyes, the lust of the flesh and the pride of life. And during the summertime, Satan has a lot of material to work with when it comes to the those first two categories.

Looking too much can lead to problems at home whether it's actual infidelity, or a general loss of intimacy and confidence. I know I would never give my wife permission to start checking out diesel cats on the street, and if I catch her we gonna have beef. So, by no means am I telling women to stop policing their husbands or boyfriend's eyes. That's y'all's job.

What I'm asking is that you be upfront about it. If you're ok with a brief sideways glance, tell a brother that's all he gets. If you're ok with a longer look and a quiet "damn" then God bless you. But, if you want your man to keep his eyes on the road don't go around telling him that it's ok for him to take in the scenery. Men prefer clear directions, we don't like to figure shit out.

Let's keep it simple.

Men Are From Mars And Women Are From God Knows Where

So, I'm cruising the internet and I land on the New York Times.

I read a story there about the divorce of Christie Brinkley and Peter Cook, and about how their very public split has been discussed quite frequently in the rich enclave known as The Hamptons. Most folks there are familiar with the details of the case, although they all claim they haven't been paying that much attention.

Anyway, in the article, there are a couple paragraphs that discuss the different reactions to the case by men and women. Women seem to think that Cook, who had an affair with an 18-year old and spent thousands on internet porn, is a Grade-A scumbag with no redeeming qualities. Men wondered why his former wife had been married and divorced four times, and what that said about her. They also noted that marriage is hard.

I shared those graphs with a friend of mine, a woman, and it sparked a long debate between us about the differences between how men and women see the world and what that means for the concept of "till death do you part."

Yep, it was one of those convos.

I won't try to rehash all of the particulars, I wouldn't want to bore y'all. But, what we arrived at was this: Neither men nor women really understand how the other gender views the world, and most of us don't really care to be educated. Not only are we not interested in a gender education, most of us scoff at the idea that we're ignorant.

I told y'all it was one of those convos.

One of the conclusions my friend and I reached was that men view life in a linear, problem-solving, somewhat logical manner. Women view life in an illogical, emotional and whiny manner. Well, that's the conclusion I reached; if she disagrees she needs to get her own blog.

Patriarchy rules!

I'm joking. Actually, we agreed that women are the more emotional sex, that they are more concerned with empathy than solutions and that they tend to repeat themselves a lot when they are unhappy about something. Now, of course I thought that her description proved just how crazy women are, while she thought my description of men was based in a fantasy world that ignored the idiocy of the male homo sapiens.

We both wound up entrenched in our positions. While we admitted that each other's arguments had merit, neither of us was willing to cede any ground about what each sex needs to do to make the other gender happier. I thought women could be logical, she thought men could show more empathy. I thought women should focus on solutions, she thought men needed to stop thinking they had the answer to every problem. I figured that women should stop talking so much, she decided men needed to become better listeners.

Like I said, we ended up at an impasse.

The funny thing is, I tried to avoid discussing relationship issues with my friend because I knew we were going to end up at that impasse. I told her that while I don't condone infidelity, I understood why the men in the article didn't think Cook was Satan's spawn. I calmly let her know that until she actually got married, she wouldn't understand the pressures married people face. I suggested we discuss something else because men and women really can't talk about this issue.

But, she wouldn't allow it to happen. She insisted that men and woman can talk about these issues and solve them. She even said something like "Well, I guess this means you can't talk about black and white issues on your blog any more. After all, white people will never be black so they will never understand racism and you're just yelling for nothing."

That was a low blow.

And do you think she admitted after our extended conversation went nowhere that it was pointless to try to discuss certain issues because of gender viewpoints? Do you think she had the decency to say "Allen, you were right, I was wrong. Next time I'll defer to your infinite wisdom."

Nope, she just laughed and said that I just didn't get women.

Typical female.