The Black Man Dilemna

I'm a black man.

Been one for nearly a decade and I was a black boy and teen before that. As a black man, lots of people are saying that I should be a little pissed at what Obama said about deadbeat black fathers on Father's Day. They tell me that he focused on the negatives, pandered to white folks and threw all the good brothers under the bus.

I say...*Yawn*...

This discussion is so damn boring. It pops up every few months when somebody or some media outlet says something greasy about black fathers. People repeat the same tired arguments on both sides, we yell at each other really loudly and then people go back to their daily lives.

Rinse and repeat.

Obama pandered.
Black men be effing up.
Black women need to consider avoiding trifling cats.
White folks need to stop relying on stereotypes.
The media blows chunks.

See? I covered everything.

Why do we keep arguing about this dumb ass topic? I'm not pretending to be immune to getting sucked into the debate, but I've begun to realize how pointless it really is. The issue has so many landmines that it's pretty much impossible to have an in-depth conversation with strangers without saying something fairly offensive. More importantly, I don't think anyone believes that these discussions are going to solve the main problem.

Too many black kids are growing up without positive male and female influences.

That's the real problem. It doesn't mean all single-parent households are bad or that all two-parent household are good. It means that it seems to work better for kids when they have two parents who share the burden of raising them. Period. And I think that we as a community need to acknowledge that all of us are to blame for the fact that too many kids are not being raised by both parents.

We all like to pretend that we don't understand how somebody could have a kid and not care for them, or how a woman could get pregnant by somebody who is clearly not a good catch. But, that's bullshit because we understand; we just don't want to admit it.

See, we've all dated folks that were subpar and some of y'all have even slept with them. And if you sleep with somebody, then you gave them the chance to be the parent of your child, whether you planned to or not. If we were honest, many of us would admit that we might find it hard to sacrifice the things we like to pay for the care of a baby we never wanted, particularly if the person we had the baby with makes our lives difficult. We might not like to admit that about ourselves, but that doesn't mean it isn't there. Those are just the facts.

So, when folks climb on their super high soapboxes, you know the ones that allow them look down on every baby mama and deadbeat daddy, it just tickles me. Because I know that those people really aren't being honest with themselves about what they are capable of doing. Don't get me wrong, irresponsible sexual behavior and failing to care for one's children is wrong, but it's not like these people are the scum of the Earth in most instances. They are just people who've made mistakes.

And I know it may seem like I'm castigating Obama for what he said, but really I don't care. Obama was just pandering to his audience. Black folks would like to believe that he was pandering to racist white people, but the folks with the most vehement dislike for baby mamas and daddys are actually black folks. Many of us love talking about all the trifling black folks doing trifling things, although we bristle when that label is directed towards people we know and love.

So, it's funny to me that folks are all mad at Obama for speaking to an incredibly large segment of his most loyal voting bloc. The fact that his message also resonated with racist white folks who might vote for him was just an added bonus. He was really just giving black people what they like to hear.

Now, let's be clear. I'm not saying that what he said was right, in fact I have several problems with it. One of the main ones is that it gives cover to people like this. I also don't like that a person who excels in giving nuanced answers likes to stick to polemic responses on this issue. However, it really doesn't make my blood boil like it does for some folks. I'm past that phase in my life and I really just want to see how folks are going to solve the problem.

Anyway, I wrote all those words to say this: I'm a black man, I read Obama's speech and I really don't care.

I'm over it.