Me, Myself and Every Other Black Person in the World

My wife and I have had some pretty heated discussions over the years.

Partially that's because of our mutual stubbornness, but mainly it's because I used to have a tendency to make people confront the world as I saw it.

My wife had been just fine for roughly 22 years before we met, but I was convinced that it was my job to get her to see the "real world." That meant constantly challenging her long held beliefs and forcing her to defend her position on everything.

Yeah, it's a shocker that we got married.

One of the most thorny subjects we discussed was race. My wife is black, but she was never really concerned with racial issues growing up. The way her life was structured she had a lot of protection from certain things, plus her sphere of interest didn't include many matters that involved race. In addition, we both grew up in a majority black city, which changes racial dynamics as well.

However, as my wife got older, she had to go into situations where she was one of a few black folks, or the only black person. She was then confronted with the unfamiliar feeling of being different, of having to explain and justify her difference and having to figure out the best way to live her life.

Those struggles caused some pretty rocky times in our relationship often because I'd already gone through some of those struggles and had already decided the "right" way to behave.

My wife and I recently dredged up one of those discussions. Back when my wife was in grad school, we had a discussion about how folks are defined through their race. She was struggling with the idea that she would always be defined first as a black woman when it came to her chosen field and she was looking for a way to break away from that. She and I went back and forth about the best way to handle the situation.

See, I've always been of the mindset that despite all the extra baggage it entails, nothing compares to being black. Sure, it means battling stereotypes and dodging police officers intent on violating your civil rights, but I would never trade in my skin for a lighter shade. Too many people suffered and died for me just because I was going to be their descendant. I like having that behind me.

However, it's not for everyone. My wife was tired of dealing with the extra hassles that came with her skin, and she just wanted everybody to let her live her life. She didn't want to have to be a representative of the black race every second of every day. She just wanted to represent the person in her own skin.

Unfortunately, when she told me about this desire, I viewed it as a betrayal of her blackness, and I responded accordingly. This led to a pretty nasty fight, that caused some serious hurt feelings in our relationship. So, when we discussed the issue again recently, I was very careful to tread lightly.

Thankfully, I've matured since our first discussion. My views on race and what it means to be "authentically" black have changed drastically. I'm no longer bound by the same hangups, plus I have a better understanding of how to articulate my feelings.

What I told my wife, is that there are two core issues in her dilemma. First, there is the issue of what she thinks in her head. See, when people constantly treat you like the spokesman for black people, you tend to take on that role in your mind. You start to put your actions and comments through a "What's good for the race?" filter.

That filter makes life so much more difficult because it's pretty much impossible to always live your life as a positive example of blackness. It just doesn't work.

I told my wife that the first step in breaking free from that straitjacket is to acknowledge that you DON'T represent other black people. I mean, you could argue you represent your parents or other relatives, but in an absolute sense, the only person you truly represent is you.

I told her she didn't have to worry about how people expected her to behave as a "black woman." She only had to worry about how she wanted to behave. Other people's hangups did not have to become her own.

That segues nicely into the second issue, which is other people's hangups. See, it's easy to tell my wife to be her own person, but that's kind of hard to do when people are constantly trying to force her into the little box they've laid out for her. The insidious thing about stereotypes is that even if we can train ourselves to no longer believe in them, other folks will keep right on fooling themselves. And, bless their hearts, those deluded folks love to push their stereotypes on us.

What I told my wife is that as tedious as this may sound, she is going to have to deal with folks and their hangups directly. It's not going to help her to constantly tell people that she doesn't want to be seen as a black woman, she just wants to be seen as someone practicing her chosen profession. The people who would take that advice typically don't need it, and the folks hell bent on viewing her primarily as a black woman are going to see that no matter what she says.

My wife, like all of us, has to challenge the assumptions and stereotypes of folks and let them know when they are treating her in an unfair manner. She has to force people to think about the comments they make, and the mindsets behind those comments. It's unfortunate that any of us have to bear that cross, but it's also just a part of life.

So, do y'all think I gave her the right advice?






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