I did not jack this idea from Maureen Dowd. I had this piece written earlier this week, but was saving it. Dammit.
Scene: Jan. 20, 2009. The Oval Office. John McCain sits at a desk with his feet raised and a Cuban cigar in his mouth. A bottle of Cristal cools on a nearby cabinet. The strains of music and protesters from McCain's inauguration ceremony can be heard faintly.
McCain: *Sigh* It finally happened.
Sonorous, baritone voice answers from the ether: Yes, yes it did John.
McCain: You know I couldn't have done it without you. Without you I'd be trying to pick up the pieces in Arizona and figure out what happened.
Voice: Of course I know that John. You of all people should be aware of how much I know.
McCain: *laughing nervously* Oh I definitely understand what you can do now. I still can't believe I'm sitting in this office. McCain gazes around in wonder, shaking his head. But, you know what? I belong here.
Voice: I promised you the White House. I delivered. I always deliver.
McCain: No shit. Although when the Diva turned on me at the end I got a little worried. That's a dangerous woman, but she eventually came to her senses and worked for the team.
I just kept repeating the lines you gave me about a sure victory. I must admit I doubted if you were going to come through since you do tend to lose battles when The Other Guy is involved.
Voice: What did you say?
McCain: Nothing. Uh, so how did you do it?
Voice: Do you really want those details? Plausible deniability is something that will take you far in this job.
McCain: Nobody is going to make me testify about this. The media is just happy they got a great storyline about my comeback. Now, their enjoying the afterglow of all those advertising dollars, and wondering how they'll convince people to pay attention in four years. Tell me what you did?
Voice: I rigged it. Typical stuff. Suppressed the vote in minority communities, took advantage of a few glitches in those electronic voting machines that were installed after the last election I got involved in. It didn't take much given the groundwork I layed in 2000 and 2004. People don't really believe in elections anymore, so everything fell into place.
Besides, most people never really expected Obama to win. They may have pretended it was a foregone conclusion, but like David Gergen pointed out, Barack was always a black man running for president in America.
McCain: Yeah, can you believe the cojones on that guy? I hope he enjoys life with those losers in the Senate 'cause he's never leaving. breaks into guffaws The nerve of him. Thinking he can just jump the line, thinking this is the kind of country where we elect people like him. Damn socialist.
Voice: Yeah, I couldn't let him win anyway. He has his flaws, but can you imagine how much harder all his hope and change would make life for me? Nope, I like things exactly the way they are. This is working just fine for my aims. By the way, where is Cindy?
McCain: I don't know. I left her in one of the bathrooms. She said she had a headache and might take a few aspirins. Pulled an orange bottle with her special brand out of her purse. Why?
Voice: No reason.
McCain: I know our bargain didn't extend that far, but, what do I do about the Diva now? All her talk about the role of vice president even made me nervous, and I don't think I can just stash her somewhere like I planned. But, I'll be damned if I let her anywhere near my power, I mean near the country's power.
Voice: Don't worry about her, I've got plans for her.
McCain: Something dangerous and difficult I hope?
Voice: You would be surprised.
McCain: Well, I guess you and I are pretty much finished until the next election, right? I doubt if Obama will challenge me again. His political capital is completely spent. If he couldn't win in a year with all these built in advantages, when could he seal the deal?
Voice: True. You're right, our time is up here.
McCain: So, I'll see you around?
Voice: You'll see me everyday. Well, I guess we'd better be going.
McCain: Who is we?
Voice: You an I. We. The two of us.
McCain: No, I think I'll stay here and savor the moment. Just sit by myself for a while.
Voice: No, you're leaving too.
McCain: What are you talking about? It's time to turn this country around. First up, I need to deal with this problem in Syria. You know Iran is behind that crap, and I won't stand for their meddling in other people's business. Then I need to figure out when I can get this health care plan off the ground. It will be a busy 100 days.
Voice: Not for you.
McCain suddenly clutches his chest, his eyes bulging
McCain: Wh...What's going on? What's happening?
Voice: I said it was time to go. You're leaving.
McCain: But we had a deal. You promised this to me. I gave you my SOUL.
Voice: Yes you did. And I delivered. You're the president. You made it. You won despite every indication that you were headed for certain defeat.
McCain:*breathing heavily, sweating* But, now it's time to govern. Now it's time to rule.
Voice: You're right. It is time for my ruler to take over this country.....SARAH, could you please come in here?
Diva: enters, with her Dude right behind her Yes, I'm here.
Diva: Of course. I was tired of listening to old wrinkled balls over there prattle about his "plans." Like he ever had the vision to have a plan.
McCain: *slumped in his chair, the cigar forgotten on the carpet* How can she be working with you? I thought she hated you?
Diva: I do hate him. But, sometimes evil must by used to achieve the means of good.
Voice: Sure thing, baby. Sure thing... Prepare your crying face, it's almost time for this one and I to leave. You must sell your sorrow before you assume your rightful place. Nobody can doubt you.
Diva: Please, I don't need advice from the likes of you.
McCain has fallen from his chair, and is breathing shallowly on the floor. His head rests in a puddle made by the bucket of champagne.
McCain: *whispering*But you promised me the presidency. You promised me power.
Voice: And I delivered. Let there be no doubt that you were the 44th president and you had power. Now, she has that power. Come, I grow weary...
McCain's eyes close and his breathing stops.
Diva: Finally, I am ready to do the will of the Lord.
Voice: Good baby. I'll let him know you asked about him the next time we talk. I'm sure he'll be surprised to hear from you.
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