Friday, February 20, 2009

Top Ten for the Weekend

As a man, I like lists. So, here are my Top Ten thoughts from this past week for y'all to ponder over the weekend.

1. Monkeys and black people don't go together. If you're making a joke and it involves a monkey and a black person, you're probably going to get called a racist. It doesn't matter if the black person is implied, or if the monkey is really evil. If a black person can be connected through six degrees of separation with your monkey, then don't make the joke.

2. Keep your damn hands to yourself. That's a carryover from last week but it's still relevant this week. Doesn't matter what gender you are, how much you weigh or how angry you might be, hitting is not cool if you don't want to get hit back. Period. Do not depend on men, or women, doing some sort of threat analysis before they respond to your violence. Expect them to beat your ass if you touch them. That's a good rule of thumb for everybody. Expect ass whippings when you touch people. It will make you more cautious and probably a better person.

3. Al Sharpton has a knack for saying good stuff, but he still has a perm. That's about it. Good public speaker, horrible Dark and Lovely.

4. All of your black friends have worked with racists. In fact, if you're black and haven't worked with a racist, then you should run for president in 2016 because you are the luckiest person on the planet. This doesn't mean that all black people deal with racism everyday, or that everybody is a racist. It just means that if you assume that black people automatically leave situations when they spot racism, well you don't know jack shit about black people. Black people have bills like everybody else. Nobody is going to pay our bills just because we can't handle racism. Besides, dealing with racists is good for your brain. It keeps you alert.

5. This stimulus package is massive and I'm still not convinced it's going to work. However, people who voted for George Bush, but oppose the stimulus just because it gives out money, are hypocritical dicks. This country has been feeding at the free money trough for the past eight years. If you didn't speak up before when your guy was in office, I'm going to look askance at your push for fiscal responsibility now. True, you could have had a legitimate change of heart... And Scientology could be a real religion and not a massive scheme concocted by a mediocre science fiction writer.

6. Monkeys again. If you need to sedate your pet with Xanax, it's probably not a pet. It's a ticking time bomb and when it tries to eat you, well, that's YOUR bad.

7. Allen Iverson cut his hair. He also plays on a horrible basketball team. One thing makes me happy, the other one makes me sad. A man over 30-years old can rock cornrows only so long before he looks like a herb. Iverson's innate coolness protected him for years, but even he was starting to crack under the pressure. And I hate Rasheed Wallace.

8. If you have children, love them hard and protect them harder. Too many folks don't give their kids enough love and those children then search in all the wrong places for that love. There are too many of the wrong people who are more then willing to fill a void in your child's life. They will hurt your child more than you can imagine. Don't give them an opportunity.

9. This post-racial utopia is really picking up steam, right?

10. Officer patting down black man: "What do you got there?"
Black man with his hands above his head: "Thaaaat's my penis."
Officer: "That's your penis... Oh... Sorry about that..."

Enjoy your weekend everybody.



Anonymous said...

Hah! Highly entertaining list.

However, as a devout Scientologist, I take severe offense to that crack you made about the Holy Prophet. It is bigoted, offensive, and intolerant. You, as a black person, who seems to know all about discrimination, should be deeply ashamed of yourself for your wanton insensitivity. How dare you! You'll be hearing from our army of lawyers, who will be seeking massive damages for defamation, libel, and the infliction of emotional injury and public ridicule and humiliation.

J/K!! I figure you might find it somewhat plausible that I might be part of the Co$ heh, so just want to make perfectly clear, I am not heh.

I had that same thought about jokes involving monkeys and black people. Not a good idea, no matter what heh. And I don't understand the entire concept of having a pet. What for? Like a slave? I had a dog when I was a kid but it was gross, it drooled and I was traumatized after I saw something red when he raised his leg once. And people even keep snakes and lizards. You have to be severely disturbed to enjoy the company of monkeys or reptiles. Or dangerous dogs like pitbulls. Nuts.

Anonymous said...

I'm hesitant to even use the term "monkey" when my little brown girl is running and jumping like one, even though I grew up with the term being used often enough for me and the other white kids.

Good list, sir...particularly the one about loving our kids. Damn it's a shame that some folks have to be reminded of that.

Mr. Noface said...

whoa....WHOA...wth hell is #10 about? Did I miss something this week?

Big Man said...

Mr. Noface

I had a wonderful video on the blog yesterday. It was about a guy getting frisked by the police. That exchange occurred during the frisking. It was easily the most entertaining You Tube clip I have ever watched and the phrase "Thaaat's my penis" is now something I try to work into random conversations.


Do they really call L. Ron Hubbard the Holy Prophet?


I wrote that about the kids because lately I've been seeing a lot of bad stuff happening with children and I thought it needed to be said. Sometimes were forget how vulnerable they are and how many people are willing to take advantage of them.

Anonymous said...

Hit after hit. I took No. 1 and put it at the top of my post today. Hilarious ...

Anonymous said...

Was going to re-watch the video since I had the sound turned down too low yesterday to hear it clearly. Gone.

I can't believe You Tube pulled that video for a terms of use violation. I mean, if the cop was salivating over the penis, sure, but that's just stupid.

Anonymous said...

Cheers, applause, cookies, courtside seats and happy endings to you for that.

Big Man said...

It think Number Six is my favorite.

Seriously, if your pet regularly needs to be sedated using Xanax, well come the fuck on. You know there is a problem. If your 200 pound monkey, with the strength of a 300 pound man, suddenly snaps and tries to disembowel you, it's going to be hard for me to be surprised if you've regularly been giving him Xanax.

Your monkey is a dope fiend. Dope fiends are unpredictable.

Anonymous said...

Excellent list! Smart, funny in parts, poigant at parts and to the point. Yeah the 2 monkey stories, both dumb. Cartoonist and NYP have no defence and did you see that half-a$$ed apology they gave? Pathetic. And keeping monkeys as pets, not a good idea, they are kind of gross, require way too much maintenance, are super super strong and have some big sharp canines that, unless they are filed down, make dogs teeth look like little nuggets. Except for little lemurs and tiny tree monkey thingees I've never been a big fan of non-human primates. Especially chimps, they just look like small, ugly, hairy people with bad posture. And I don't care what anyone says "oh well they drew Bush as a chimp all the time" THE MAN LOOKED LIKE ONE. Seriously There is even a picture with him with his lips curled out that looks just like one, he even has the ears. O man has some big ears but they don't look a chimps, unlike GWB.

All-Mi-T [Thought Crime] Rawdawgbuffalo said...

man, on the monket comment
i dont think it is important, its just a cartoon, we some mixed up folks

All-Mi-T [Thought Crime] Rawdawgbuffalo said...

man, on the monket comment
i dont think it is important, its just a cartoon, we some mixed up folks

Liz said...

this is hilarious!
got to your page from your comment on damons...

Anonymous said...

Good post! I love # 6, who the hell keeps these sort of animals as pets in the first place?

Havw a good weekend!

OhSoSavvy said...

Well done...Love the entire 10! Especially #4, cause I work with racists lol! And #8 because kids don't stand a chance if they can't get the love they need from the correct are right on with that one!

Anonymous said...

funny post...

but why do you hate 'sheed?

libhom said...

I always thought Iverson's hair looked great.

Big Man said...

Sheed doesn't play hard every game. And that is the one thing I cannot tolerate from a player.
It is why I have long had an intense dislike of Tracy McGrady and Vince Carter.

Anonymous said...

You sent me on a roller coaster of emotions Big Man. #3 & #6 had me on the floor lauging, #8 made me want to cry and then #10 had me laughing again.

Raving Black Lunatic