Top Ten for the Weekend

As a man, I like lists. So, here are my Top Ten thoughts from this past week for y'all to ponder over the weekend.

1. Monkeys and black people don't go together. If you're making a joke and it involves a monkey and a black person, you're probably going to get called a racist. It doesn't matter if the black person is implied, or if the monkey is really evil. If a black person can be connected through six degrees of separation with your monkey, then don't make the joke.

2. Keep your damn hands to yourself. That's a carryover from last week but it's still relevant this week. Doesn't matter what gender you are, how much you weigh or how angry you might be, hitting is not cool if you don't want to get hit back. Period. Do not depend on men, or women, doing some sort of threat analysis before they respond to your violence. Expect them to beat your ass if you touch them. That's a good rule of thumb for everybody. Expect ass whippings when you touch people. It will make you more cautious and probably a better person.

3. Al Sharpton has a knack for saying good stuff, but he still has a perm. That's about it. Good public speaker, horrible Dark and Lovely.

4. All of your black friends have worked with racists. In fact, if you're black and haven't worked with a racist, then you should run for president in 2016 because you are the luckiest person on the planet. This doesn't mean that all black people deal with racism everyday, or that everybody is a racist. It just means that if you assume that black people automatically leave situations when they spot racism, well you don't know jack shit about black people. Black people have bills like everybody else. Nobody is going to pay our bills just because we can't handle racism. Besides, dealing with racists is good for your brain. It keeps you alert.

5. This stimulus package is massive and I'm still not convinced it's going to work. However, people who voted for George Bush, but oppose the stimulus just because it gives out money, are hypocritical dicks. This country has been feeding at the free money trough for the past eight years. If you didn't speak up before when your guy was in office, I'm going to look askance at your push for fiscal responsibility now. True, you could have had a legitimate change of heart... And Scientology could be a real religion and not a massive scheme concocted by a mediocre science fiction writer.

6. Monkeys again. If you need to sedate your pet with Xanax, it's probably not a pet. It's a ticking time bomb and when it tries to eat you, well, that's YOUR bad.

7. Allen Iverson cut his hair. He also plays on a horrible basketball team. One thing makes me happy, the other one makes me sad. A man over 30-years old can rock cornrows only so long before he looks like a herb. Iverson's innate coolness protected him for years, but even he was starting to crack under the pressure. And I hate Rasheed Wallace.

8. If you have children, love them hard and protect them harder. Too many folks don't give their kids enough love and those children then search in all the wrong places for that love. There are too many of the wrong people who are more then willing to fill a void in your child's life. They will hurt your child more than you can imagine. Don't give them an opportunity.

9. This post-racial utopia is really picking up steam, right?

10. Officer patting down black man: "What do you got there?"
Black man with his hands above his head: "Thaaaat's my penis."
Officer: "That's your penis... Oh... Sorry about that..."


Enjoy your weekend everybody.


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