It's A Strange Feeling

I know about divorce, but not really.

That may sound confusing, but it makes sense. What I'm trying to say is that I understand the concept of divorce, I am aware of the impact it has on children and families, but I don't really have much firsthand knowledge about the topic. Even though I have family members and associates who are divorced, I really don't know divorce.

For example, I only realized recently how much sadness is associated with divorce.

There is the obvious sadness that comes from seeing two people dissolve what was supposed to an eternal union. I can't forget about the gut-wrenching pain of knowing that any children that couple has produced will now be scarred for life. But, there is more.

I wasn't aware of the subtle, and yes, selfish sadness that even distant associates feel from divorce. Watching another couple founder, particularly a couple that reminds me however slightly of my own marriage, affects me more than I ever would have thought possible.

I don't know these people, yet I feel a connection to them. As I see them slowly trying to create a life apart from each other, a life that only one of them seems to want, I can't help but feel the fragility of my own connection with my wife.

This feels so strange for me because I usually lack empathy. True, I've improved in that area in recent years, but as a side effect of my upbringing, I'm not the guy that's usually good at feeling other people's pain.

And, honestly, I can't even tell in this case if I'm feeling someone else's pain, or just my own. Do I really feel bad because of this couple's situation, or do I feel bad because I wonder if their failure makes it more likely that I will fail?

Truthfully, I don't know. What I do know is that I feel sad whenever I see this couple sitting apart where they previously sat together. I feel bad when I see them unable to share the intimacies that married couples share in every interaction. I feel terrible when I see other folks ill at ease in their presence because they don't know how to react to their split. Mostly, I feel terrible because the sense of loss surrounding them is palpable. It's an ugly miasma that follows them like a bad odor.

I see it, I feel it, and it's just strange.





Share

Locked and Loaded

Man, I didn't even want to write this column.

The world is abuzz about the recent decision by NBA star Gilbert Arenas to bring four, unloaded handguns to his locker room, and apparently use them in a practical joke with his teammate. Now some reports have Arenas and his teammate actually drawing guns on each other all cowboy-style, but given the source of that report, I'm not buying that story. I believe the story that has Arenas laying out four weapons with a note, and the situation escalating from there.

Problem is, the account about Arenas and his teammate having an actual duel has gained the most traction in the public sphere. No surprise there. A wild story about two young ,black millionaires with guns squaring off over gambling debts is always a sexy story, and for most people, quite believable. It feeds into all the stereotypes about the NBA and the players that make up the association.


Before I go any further let me make a few things clear. Bringing guns to work in violation of the rules of your job is stupid and wrong. If you do this, you should be punished for breaking the rules. Just wanted to make that clear.

This whole incident has dominated the sports news for several days and has managed to crossover into the mainstream media. And everyday people have opined about how ludicrous it is that someone would bring a gun to work, that they would pull a gun on a co-worker and that they would laugh and joke about it. Everybody whines about how these spoiled NBA players don't recognize how good they have it, and comment that this would never happen for someone else.

And that's total crap.

Everyday people get away with doing ridiculous stuff on the job. Whether it's making racist statements, sexually harassing co-workers, or even acts of violence, it happens. These people are not always always immediately fired. They are not always punished. To pretend otherwise is just cover for folks who want to lob grenades at NBA players because they don't like them and have beef.

Remember when a Washington Post editor punched out a colleague? I seem to remember quite a few media folks brushing that off as no big deal, and I remember that cat receiving his buyout and riding off into the sunset. And he was popping off at the mouth even after he did the punching.

I've heard stories of male workers making the most vile comments and come-ons to their female co-workers, and keeping their jobs. Hell, an aide to United States Senator James Webb tried to bring a loaded handgun into the Senate chambers in his briefcase and he's still working for the Senator and skated without a trial.

So spare me this sob story about how this is yet more proof that NBA players have it easy, that they live the good life, that they are arrogant pricks with no respect. I'm not saying these athletes aren't arrogant and moronic at times, but if arrogance and idiocy was fatal, the Earth would be a freaking a ghost town. NBA players are humans and have all the flaws and strengths of humans.

People want to crack down on Arenas because they either have a dread of guns, or they dislike NBA players in general. I refuse to consider any other options. A sensible person evaluating what Arenas did would not be calling for him to have a lifetime ban from the league, or arguing for a long jail sentence. That would be impossible for a sensible person who is aware of the legal precedent regarding issues like this, and has seriously considered Arenas' reasoning behind his actions.

But, I doubt if sensible people will win this battle. I've seen this movie too many times and I know how it ends. Sensible people will find it very hard to make themselves heard over the mob and those who direct the mob. I doubt if Arenas will escape the wrath of these combined forces. They have him in their sights, and they have way too much ammunition to miss with the kill shot.

Locked and loaded for real.




Share

Say What?

Sitting at my parents crib over the holidays. Talking to my pops about how his job is going since he's had some difficulty in that area recently.


He's telling me that things aren't great, but he believes he'll manage with God's help. Then he tells me about a deal one of his associates is working, and says something that makes me pause. He uses the phrase "Jew me down..."""


Yeah, he said that.

My pops and I argue a lot over some of the stuff he says. I argue with my mom too, but to a lesser degree because she's less likely to engage in back and forth with me. She just sits quietly until I run out of steam.

But, my dad likes to say outrageous stuff, and he doesn't much care what other folks feel about his comments. Matter of fact, he'll defend his outrageous comment as perfectly acceptable against all odds. I've had to check him for using the word "faggot" among other things, but no matter how many times I explain to him why certain language isn't acceptable, he refuses to listen. He's an obdurate old man.

It's shocking how many people don't think about the meanings behind the words they use. From "nigger-rigged" to "chinky-eyed" folks use phrases that have racist overtones and don't blink an eye. They assume that because they're not a racist, saying racist things is no big deal. Although, you have to wonder. If saying racist stuff doesn't make you a racist, exactly what is the threshold?

I tried to explain to my pops why his comment was problematic, but he didn't want to hear me. He trotted out all the standard responses: "That's not what I mean... I'm not going to be P.C.... You think you can tell people what to do but you can't." It was quite similar to arguing with your standard conservative white person about race. Which sucked, by the way.

What I tried to explain to him, and what I still can't understand, is why hold on to things that are clearly hurtful and steeped in racism? This is particularly true if you're somebody like my father, a Christian. Why would you want to hurt folks, why would you want to use terms that clearly play on stereotypes about them? Even if these things are true, does that mean you have to say them? Honesty is wonderful, but so is kindness.

It seems that folks just don't want to give up what's comfortable. No surprise there, but it's still depressing. Because what's comfortable to most folks, is often detrimental to a whole bunch of other folks.

Seems pain and pleasure are linked in far more ways than I realized.









Share

I'm So Hard and I'm So Real

Look who's been pumping iron on the yard...

It's Tiger, Tiger Woods y'all!

Seriously though, I was hipped to this photo through one of my favorite sports blogs on the web Sports On My Mind, and man I still can't get over it. Tiger is full-on "prison yard" mode in this joint, and while some of my female friends have found his posing "sexy", to me it just screams lame dude faking at being hard. Tiger Woods on the yard? Man that's like being a bon-bon at a Jenny Craig convention.

The thing is, these pictures were taken four years ago. That's right, four years ago and they are just now seeing the light of day. And, not surprisingly, the woman who took the photos is the same photog who graced us with those pics of Lebron James and the model chick a while back. I believe I wrote about that if you want to check the archives.

So, I'm left with two questions here: Why would Tiger Woods pose like this, and why would Vanity Fair run these photos now?

Well, the answer to the second question is pretty obvious even for someone as dense as me. Money talks and everything else walks. Vanity Fair is running these photos, which they've sat on for four years now because these photos fit the image of Tiger much of America has right now. Tiger is one of "dem."

In case some of y'all have forgotten, "dem" are the bad Negroes. The ones that cause all the problems. See, prior to the recent revelations that Tiger loves to play pin the tail on a white chick, Tiger was a Good Negro. As a Good Negro, he was loved by many white folks, and they would have been comfortable inviting him into their homes and maybe playing nine holes after dinner. Now, Tiger is one of those sex-crazed black heathens who loves large quantities of white women. He's borderline dangerous.

Vanity Fair understands that sentiment, and thus has decided to capitalize on it by running pictures they've held in reserve for years. I'm sure they'll try to pretend these pics tell us something about the beast lurking within Tiger all these years, but that's a farce. Tiger has a problem with infidelity, thus the only beast lurking within him is the same beast lurking within the vast majority of men. It's called lust, and it ain't new. Vanity Fair is only pretending otherwise because that moves magazines, and well that's the business they are in. Not news dissemination, magazine-selling. Hope y'all hadn't forgotten that fact.

However, the question of why Tiger Woods would pose for what could pass as a yearbook picture from "Oz" is kind of interesting. Clearly, like many cats he likes the idea of being a "thug" without all the baggage of being a thug. I mean, getting stopped by the police is wack, but posing for broads whose panties get wet behind "thuglife" is the business. Tiger's text messages betrayed him as a bit of lame who liked to talk rough and tough for the ladies to boost his cred.

With that in mind, it's no surprise he posed for these pics, it's what a lame dude would do. From what I can tell, Tiger has always chafed at his nerdy image, even though he used that image to sell us Buicks and razors. Like many cats, he saw that bad boys had all the fun, and wanted in. These pics scream "I'm so Hard, I'm so Real," when most of us believe Tiger is anything but hard and real.

Maybe Tiger thought he was just showing off the guns for the ladies, but then why the skully, the grainy quality of the pic and barely concealed menace in his glare. Tiger is posing like a high school cat in a dance photo, only he's 30-years old and a millionaire. That's something only a lame dude would do.

This is just another example of the insidious nature of stereotypes. Tiger and the photographer equated toughness and a certain desirability with prison. This picture and its presentation is more proof that despite his attempts to distance himself from his blackness, Tiger was always a black man in many people's eyes. And when his Good Negro facade crumbled, well he got the standard treatment all black men get.

I wonder how tough he really is...

Share