Thursday, July 15, 2010

Bite My Tongue 'Til It Bleeds

It's been a while since I posted something new, but honestly, real life has been taking up a lot of my time.

Anyway, something has been on my mind recently.  I've come to realize that I have a fairly hefty ego, and taming that massive beast is not going to be as simple as I once believed.

This announcement may shock some of you who only know me through the digital realm. Online, I take pains to dampen my arrogance and try to practice humility. I tend to ignore certain slights, and strive to respond as amicably as possible. I guess I see the Internet as the perfect arena to practice becoming the man I'd like to be one day. And honestly, it's not that hard to be humble and calm online. The fact that you have to type out most of your responses seems to give me the ability to distance myself from my initial reactions.

Unfortunately, in real life, things are a little more complicated.

See, I have this issue with people thinking they are getting over on me. It doesn't satisfy me to just peep people's game, and avoid their nefarious plots. I'm not happy with only seeing through their ridiculous spin and understanding the heart of the matter. Although I am able at times to keep my mouth shut and not rub people's noses in their weak mind games, it doesn't sit well with me. And when people get smug, well then proverbial feces hits the rapidly spinning fan.

I just have to pull their cards.

It's like I get this itch in my mind. I know I should just let things slide because it really doesn't affect me, but there is a little voice telling me to get things popping. That voice sounds kind of like Chris Rock as "Lil Penny".

On issues at work:

"Oh hell no. Does he really think that lame response answered your question? Does he think you can't add and subtract or think logically? Does he think you just fell off the cabbage truck, or is this his default position with all darkies."

On issues at home:

"Come on now woman. Look, if she wanted you to do that, why didn't she just ask? Why she gotta try to be slick, like you don't have eyes. This woman must think your name is Willie, not Big Man. Willie Foo Foo that is. Maybe she got you pegged as Cpt. Sausagehead."

On every issue that I ever face:

"Don't they know who you are? Don't they know how smart you are and that you could cut them down like overripe wheat? That you could slice apart their pitifully crafted arguments like a sickle? Don't they understand the awesomeness of Big Man? They better recognize before they get their feelings hurt!

I wish I could say the previous remarks are hyperbole, but sadly they aren't. That's exactly how the voice in my head sounds, and that's exactly what it says, more or less. I always think that if people could actually hear what I think, even more people would hate my guts. Thank the Lord for the privacy of my brain.

But,  what I'm slowly starting to realize is that all these internal conversations are the result of fairly useless pride. Who cares if people think I'm dumb? Hell, unless they are denying me an opportunity, why would I worry myself if they decide to greatly underestimate my capabilities to their own detriment. Yeah, it's insulting, but what's really bruised besides my expansive ego?

I can't really see it.

So, I've decided to not only bite my tongue more often, but like it. I've decided not to let folks raise my blood pressure by acting like I can't think properly. I know what I'm capable of, and all I have to worry about is showing and proving.

The rest of it is just a lot of  tongue wagging.



LisaMJ said...

I feel ya. I know I do my version of that too at times. And Lord, if people could hear some of the ish I think... well I'd be getting a daily beat down cause I think some evil stuff at times, though I rarely act on them directly. I'll try to join you in your quest for not letting the stuff get to you.

LisaMJ said...

Oh and to answer the question on your header re: what would happen to you if you shot a handcuffed man in the back... well you'd be under the jail, no bail, no parole in the future. And they'd paint you as an animal.

Big Man said...

Or they'd paint me as a typical Negro.

Same difference.

Deacon Blue said...

Pride is a pain in the ass, both for the people around it and the person who wrestles with it.

But I'll take a prideful guy over a hateful one any day.

We all wrestle with demons though. Pride rarely hops on my back, but I have enough other counterproductive characters traits to probably make up for it.

Anna Renee said...

Damn, Big Guy, you got me! I just recently used my own blog to do this very thing! Sigh. It felt good to get it offa my chest tho!

With my hubby it's thus: "Man you talking about how I DRIVE??? YOU talking about women drivers? REALLY? ARE you serious--when you be drifting to your right continuously and scaring other drivers as well as me whenever you're behind the wheel???

I bite my tongue in real life--it makes for a happy home!! But in the blogosphere, well, I have gotten in some trouble before.

Good post! Got you blogrolled.

Raving Black Lunatic