Monday, May 3, 2010

Hold Up, Don't Go There

As part of my growth as a man and Christian, I'm really working on not expressing every opinion that comes into my head.

Seriously, I am.

Folks who knew me as a youngster could tell you all kids of stories about some of the rude and crass things I said and did. Honestly, when I think about that phase in my life, I'm quite embarrassed and I wonder why I was so obnoxious. Who knows?

In my quest to reform, I've been trying to let stupid people be stupid. That's a big task in today's world, but I've decided that it's not my job to always expose the stupidity of others and force them to confront and acknowledge it. I don't have to open people's eyes. If they would rather be blind, then I'll save my light for those wishing to see.

(That sounded kind of arrogant, but y'all know what I meant.)

But, I must admit that sometimes it's hard to keep my resolve. Just recently, a friend of mine told me a story that had me seriously considering how I would have reacted in his shoes, and to be honest, I think some of the old Big Man would have come out.

My homie was at a social gathering talking to this chick we both knew in college. The woman was going on and on about the depravity and uselessness of men, and my boy was pretty much letting her vent. Sometimes sisters just need that ear, you know?

Anyway, he said he was cool as she went through her long-winded tale of how some dude didn't make a move on her even when she pretty much threw the cooch at him. She was heated that the same cat later complained that he couldn't really tell that she was digging him. The dude said she should have just told him she was interested if she really wanted something to pop off.

Apparently the woman was upset by this. I guess she felt that it was the man's job to decipher her feelings and make the first move. Y'all know how women be on that selective chivalry and old-fashioned values kick in these modern times. They don't want everything the "old way" just the stuff they like.

Anyway, this woman couldn't believe that the dude tried to pass that onus to her. I don't really know how she handled the cat that "wronged" her, but she decided to let my friend know that his fellow penis bearer's behavior was symptomatic of a larger deficiency in men. So she said:

"Men of your generation are cowards."

(Record scratch)

What did she say?

See, I really hate when men or women make blanket negative statements about the opposite gender. It's not that I'm innocent of this practice, it's just that when I make my generalizations they are always correct and based solely on stringent research and careful consideration... Lol. Yeah right.

But, I really am irked when people make what I deem stupid comments about the opposite sex. Saying that men of my generation (My friend and I were born six days apart) are all cowards is just ridiculous.

It's particularly ridiculous when the woman making the comment has admitted that she feels this way because a dude she was digging didn't smash while she slept over in his bed.

I've heard too many stories from women about how they slept over with a dude, but didn't really want to do anything. It seems like in these modern times, an opposite gender bedmate isn't a guarantee of lovemaking.

Plus, as a man who has refused to make the first move on a chick sleeping in his bed because he didn't want to cede power to her, I can understand why dude held up. Sometimes you gotta lay ground rules if you want the relationship to operate on the correct wavelength.

But, before I go off on a tangent about the craziness inherent in relationships let me focus on this woman's comment and my friend's reaction. My homie bit his tongue initially, but her comment irked him quite a bit, and eventually he let this woman know that maybe her difficulties with men were due to one common factor: her.

Of course, she didn't take kindly to this observation, blew up and made a scene. Now I chastised my boy for expressing himself honestly because as every man learns early, women hate when you tell them that their problems are because of them. But, I had to admit that I would have been hard pressed not to tell the woman the exact same thing.

See, there are some lines folks shouldn't cross in conversation. You really shouldn't go about insulting entire genders, races, religions and the like. It's unseemly and it's almost like an invitation to a verbal or physical battle. I don't understand how this woman could presume to call my friend a coward, and then get upset when he made an equally personal observation about her.

I'm bothered by people who say offensive stuff, and then have the nerve to get upset when people respond with anger and frustration. Seriously, this chick tells a red-blooded man that all men of his generation are "cowards" and she doesn't think that's going to cause some friction? Clearly she actually believed her own hype. She actually thought that just because she says something, it must be fact, and all men should take it as such. Sorry, that ain't happening with a man with fully descended testicles.

I remember in a media law class I learned that there are certain words that are exceptions to free speech and if you say them you can't fall back on free speech if you get pummelled. I'm not saying this woman should have been beaten, but I'm saying she really should have put some more thought into her comments before she made them. Particularly if she was extra sensitive about folks offering her unsolicited, blunt opinions about her life choices and habit. It's really quite simple. If you don't want to get your feelings hurt, follow one easy rule:

Just don't go there folks.



Sabina E. said...

I agree... it cracks me up when women or men slam each other and act like that one man's behavior reflects about a billion males on this planet... seriously?

secondly, if a woman thinks men are pigs and she complains that this dude or that dude is a pig and doesn't appreciate her, blah blah blah, I'd tell her that it's because she's not interested in good guys and she only wants to get with bad boys, so technically its HER fault and she needs to STFU.

Big Man said...

Damn DIMA you are hardcore.

But, I can't argue with your logic. If somebody isn't treating you right, and y'all ain't married, then I saw move on.

More fish in the sea.

G said...

I agree with you, BUT: "Y'all know how women be on that selective chivalry and old-fashioned values kick in these modern times. They don't want everything the "old way" just the stuff they like." That's a pretty crappy generalization and happens to annoy the crap out of me. I'm very open and honest about what I want and expect from men and I'm not the only woman who is.

I happen to subscribe to the maxim that every woman has exactly the love life she really wants. It sometimes hurts, but when you look deep it's pretty true - so I would have told her that.

Actually, I probably would have walked away in the middle of the conversation because I'm not such a nice person...but if I was in a nice mood that's what I would have told her.

Thordaddy said...

If your first principle is to proclaim what, "I want" and what "I expect" at the start of every new relationship then you will be starting on rocking ground if that other person is a real Man.

Now, that kind of first principle will work with liberals, feminine males, dykes and homosexuals BECAUSE you SHARE the same first principles and so you enter the "relationship" as "equals."

But if you are a MODERN FEMALE seeking a relationship with a Man then you must understand that you will not being sharing "equal" first principles as you enter into relations. In fact, your first principles must be subordinates for the relationship to have any chance of continuation.

Big Man said...


It is a generalization. I didn't think it was crappy, but since it's a generalization, I can see how you might have that opinion.

I can't speak for all women. But, I've met quite a few and many of those women seemed to have a hodgepodge of beliefs about relationships. At times they align themselves with what I would call traditional values, particularly when it comes to the responsibilities of a man in courtship and in relationships.

At other times they seem to want to align with "modern" values, particularly when it comes to their responsibilities.

I could go into more detail, but I'll just say that a lot of the younger women I meet want an "old-fashioned" man, but they want to be a "New Age" woman. Obviously, there is going to be some conflict in that situation.

Tit for Tat said...

"Y'all know how women be on that selective chivalry and old-fashioned values kick in these modern times. They don't want everything the "old way" just the stuff they like."(G)

Geez, that sounds a lot like cherry picking modern christians. Not that youre like that Big man. ;)

Big Man said...

Tit for Tat

That would actually be a relevant comparison if wasn't for the New Covenant.

But, I know we've done this dance before, and since you don't care to actually acknowledge that point, I'll let you make your remarks about cherry picking Christians in peace.

Whatever floats your boat.

Raving Black Lunatic