Hierarchy

We all have an internal hierarchy.

It is a personal grouping of our priorities that determines how we respond to individual situations. A simpler way to put it would be to say we all have a "code."

That code determines who or what we swear allegiance to first. For some folks that might be God, or country, or family, or friends. Our codes are how we sort through the morass of experiences we have as human beings.

Everybody has a code.

In fact, that's the problem. We all have different codes and different hierarchies.

For example, the first five spots on my general hierarchy look like this:

1. God
2. Family
3. Black
4. Male
5. American

(Three and four sometimes shift positions.)

Within each of those five categories there are several subsets, but that basic structure determines how I approach situations and how I decide where my allegiance lies in any given situation. If there is a conflict between being black and being American, I'm going to side with being black 99 percent of the time.

Now some folks might find that disturbing. I've had folks get upset when they learn I don't say the pledge of allegiance. It bothers them deeply and they see it as a personal affront. In their minds, I owe America my allegiance despite this country's failure to uphold the words of the pledge. Besides, if I dislike the country that much, I should just get up and leave.

As an aside, that sentiment has always puzzled me. The whole concept of "If you don't like it you can leave" seems asinine. Is that how most people live their lives? When they have a problem on the job, in their marriage, with their kids, do they just get up and leave? What does that say about them? Is that an admirable trait?

Everyday I find myself clashing with folks because of our different hierarchies. We have different priorities, and therefore different goals. We have disparate ideas about what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior. They don't like my hierarchy and I'm not too fond of theirs.

I tend to spend quite a bit of time pondering why there is so much conflict in the world. Is it greed, or just a byproduct of survival? Do humans clash so often because we can't really understand each other, or because we understand each other too well?

Maybe it's all about our hierarchies. We can't get along because of our clashing allegiances. Even when we have the same allegiances it doesn't solve the problem.

How often do Americans fight with Americans over what is truly in the best interest of America? Can't you say the same about black folks? Or married couples?

Sadly, while I can see the problem, I can't see the solution. People will always seek to coerce others, while at the same time fighting against coercion. Most of our hierarchies will never truly mesh, and when they don't, some folks will always see that as a problem. Unfortunately, they'll also believe that they should not have to make any changes to correct the problem.

It's quite the morass.



Share

Tears Of A Clown

I'm pretty much over the standard racism apologies.

Whether it's the perfunctory news conference with a non-apologetic apology to "those who might have been offended" or the tearful kiss the ring deal where blubbering and remorse are plentiful, I'm through with the whole scene. It doesn't move me, it doesn't placate me and it damn sure doesn't convince me.

I've written before about pointless apologies and my feelings remain constant. If you're only sorry because you got reamed out and attacked for your choices, then I really don't care about your apology. If you're only sorry that your actions now have serious consequences for YOU, instead of being worried about the consequences for others, then what do the words "I'm sorry" really mean.

My wife and I had a discussion on this very topic recently, and I promise you it wasn't a pleasant one. I was trying to explain to her that I don't consider "I'm sorry" some sort of magic balm that heals all wounds. The pain and the grievance remain no matter how often you apologize, and there are consequences for causing that pain. However, by saying "I'm sorry" you are at least acknowledging that you are the cause of the pain and your remorse for filling that role. At least that's the hope.

The thing is, some folks don't even mean that when they say "I'm sorry." Many folks see "I'm sorry" as a magic antidote for their eff-ups, almost like life is a giant Etch-A-Sketch and saying "I'm sorry" is like shaking the screen. They think that once they utter those two magic words, everybody should move on with their lives as if nothing happened.

Other folks don't even want to say "I'm sorry." They, rightfully, view an apology as an admission of guilt and since they believe their actions were justified, no matter how heinous they might appear to others, they don't feel they are guilty of anything. Thus they either refuse to apologize, or they issue the sort of apologies that admit to nothing.

You see those types of apologies from politicians, police officers, racists and, honestly, pretty much everybody in the world. Because all of us are guilty of issuing crappy apologies when we are just saying the words to cover our butts. Many of us issue apologies not because we feel remorse, but because we'd rather avoid the consequences of our actions.

That's why I titled this blog "Tears of a Clown." When you shed tears during an apology it should be because you recognize the hurt you've caused others. You recognize the wrong you've done them and your spirit grieves because of that.

You shouldn't be crying because you're worried about just how rough things are going to get for you, and that's the distinct feeling I get from most folks. They aren't worried about how their actions impacted anyone else's life, they're only worried about how they impact their own.

Clowns.







Share

Spoonful of Sugar

Y'all remember that Mary Poppins song?

I used to watch that movie every day in after-school care. I can't tell you how many times I watched that little British nanny transform the lives of those children before flying off into the sunset. Other than Charlotte's Web, that's probably my most watched movie of all-time. (I know, I have more layers than an onion.)

I started thinking about the Poppins' song when I read this story about the overall optimism of some black youth. The story notes that black youth, despite typically having more difficult home situations than their white counterparts, tend to have a more optimistic view of the future, particularly since the election of President Obama.

Now, I'm sure this survey did not include many of the cats caught in the absolute worse situations in the black community. I would wager those cats don't see a rosy future for themselves no matter who is the president.

But, that doesn't mean the survey is completely bunk. Nah, I think that many black people, in contrast to the popular stereotype of us as whining babies, are pretty optimistic about the world, although that doesn't prevent us from acknowledging that it's still pretty effed up.

Look, if our history has taught black folks anything, it's that dwelling on the worst aspects of a situation is counterproductive and debilitating. Therefore, we often adopt an attitude that sees a silver lining in the most dark clouds. I'm not saying we're always spewing sunshine and dandelions, but we do tend to have faith that things are going to turn around at some point. How else can you explain the accomplishments of black folks during the dark periods of American history? (Which, for the record, includes the entire of history of America. It's all been dark for somebody.)

Simply put, black folks create our own spoonfuls of sugar.

I'm happy to hear these young people are still doing that, although I am a bit disturbed that they've invested so much of their hope and confidence in President Obama. It's not that I don't like dude, but he is a politician and this is America. Inevitably Obama will disappoint them, and I worry that their young minds may not be able to process that disappointment and still understand how stay motivated and focused. I've seen far too many young folks lose their drive and confidence because an adult they idolized disappointed them.

But, that's a worry for another day.

Today, I'm celebrating the fact that these kids have found some sugar to help the medicine of life go down a little easier. Here's hoping things stay sweet.








Share

Stigma

Here's the current conundrum I'm pondering.

It's a given, that for white people, being called a racist is one of the worst things that can happen to them in today's society. I once wrote about this phenomenon, and recently, a Tea Bagger, I mean Tea Party member, agreed with me.

We don't want the worst elements to take this over," said Brendan Steinhauser, campaign director for FreedomWorks, a national group that helps coordinate tea party activists. "If they do, the tea party loses independents, it loses moderates, it loses people who don't tolerate this. Being a racist is one of the worst things you can be in this society. No one wants to be labeled this."

I think we can all agree that white folks dread the R-word like Latinos dread traffic stops in Arizona. They consider it the nuclear option.

The thing is, white people's fear of being labeled a racist often makes them less likely to call other white people's actions racist. My theory is that many white folks have narrowed the definition of racism because it makes it less likely that they will ever have to think of themselves, their friends or their family members as racist.

This is a byproduct of a national campaign to make certain types of racism seem horrible. We've all seen the videos from the Civil Rights movement, and watched Roots, and it's quite difficult to find a white person today who will say that what happened during Jim Crow and slavery was acceptable.... Well, outside of Virginia. They typically understand that joining the Klan and calling somebody a nigger makes you a bad person.

That stigma, while limited, has helped end some of the most egregious affronts to black Americans. It's no longer considered polite to behave a certain way in public, although private events are a different story. White folks' shame has led them to avoid certain behaviors, which has made life easier for black folks.

So, the question I'm currently considering is: "Was it the right move?"

Was the shame-based approach to lessening racism the right decision?

On one hand, you have the obvious benefits of the stigma attached to being labeled a "racist." People avoid those behaviors because they don't want to feel the shame and ostracization.

Unfortunately, the behaviors associated with racism by white folks in no way encompass the totality of the problem. Plus, white folks now have a vested interest in refusing to expand their definitions of racism because that way THEY can avoid being classified as racists.

What to do, what to do...

Honestly, I don't have a solution. I'm just thinking about it. Do the benefits of the stigma outweigh the side effects of a shame-based approach to combating racism?

Have black folks gained more from the shame than they lose from the fact that white folks will do anything to avoid feeling that shame, including limiting the definition of racism so much that the most problems for black folks are ignored.

What do y'all think?

Share