You Don't Say

"Why you acting white?"

If you talk to a large enough number of black folks with college degrees and professional jobs, you're likely to find that many of them have been accused of "acting white" at some point in their lives. Folks have stories of being ostracized because of the way they spoke, or the movies they liked, or the clothes they wore.

Personally, I don't have any of those stories, and I've always been skeptical of them. I'm not saying these things don't happen, but I'm leery of blaming a lack of social status on the fact that black folks equate achievement with whiteness. My personal experience has shown that things are typically much more complicated, and often people are outcasts for a variety of reasons.

Well, it turns out, I might have been right.

According to Burstion-Young, both black and white students were dedicated to academic excellence and there were no differences in academic standards. Contrary to previous studies which state that high achieving blacks are viewed as "acting white," Burstion-Young says the black students identified with black culture through association with consumer culture, such as fashion and music, as well as slang and social circles. The students who did not connect to black culture on these levels were viewed as "acting white" – academic achievement (or lack thereof) had little to do with it. In at least one case in this study, an African-American student became so integrated into the white community that she lost her connectedness to her own family and culture, greatly upsetting the family and, Burstion-Young says, eliminating the spirit of integration in creating a generation of bridge-builders across cultures, identifying with each other but accepting and respecting cultural differences

That quotation comes from this post over at Prometheus 6, a wonderful blog I check out for lots of great news clippings. It's taken from a study looking at how black kids attending predominantly white schools deal with their situations, and what are the driving forces in their decision making.

Honestly, the study doesn't break any new ground in my mind because most of the theories espoused were things I'd already learned on my own. Basically, children thrust into situations where they are "onlys" develop complicated coping mechanisms and social structures that are much too nuanced to be reduced to "acting white" alone.

The thing is, this myth that black kids attack anybody who tries to do well in school for "acting white" is a popular one in mainstream society. And it's not just passed along by white folks, it's something that well-educated black folks love to repeat at gatherings as they lament the idiocy of youth. In their minds, this whole "acting white" thing is something young folks trotted out just to ruin the black community.

Not only does this theory about "acting white" ignore the fact that there have always been battles over authenticity in the black community, it provides cover for racists who would like the world to believe that the real reason black folks have problems is because of their own pathologies. The idea that black school children lob insults and abuse towards those individuals who value academic achievement and force them to be dumb, makes it much easier to deny education grants to improve the quality of inner city schools.

Sadly, this ignores that in all cultures, school children often punish those individuals who are overly concerned with scholastic success and lack certain social skills. This state of affairs crosses color and class lines. Unfortunately, when black communities display the same behavior that is considered "normal" in other areas, it's a sign of our inherent flaws.

In addition, what the study fleshes out is that the problem for black school children isn't succeeding in school, it's when that success is coupled with an attempt to assimilate completely into white society. The sin isn't being smart, the sin is believing that academic achievement can only occur after you reject all aspects of black culture.

But, I already knew that.




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Daddies and Mommies

Could you be my daddy? 'Cause I need a daddy. Could you be my daddy, 'cause I need a daddy...

This blares from my radio at least once a day. It's the intro to Twista's new song about creating slippery walls in the nether regions of females, and it bothers me.

Is might just be me, but I find something disturbing about a woman singing about her need for a daddy, right before a portly rapper talks about providing her with sexual favors to make her feel good. Besides the fact that "daddy" is often a term used by pimps and hoes, just the idea that a grown woman is out searching for a father figure and is settling for somebody who has an erect penis and money is a problem to me.

And it's not just this song, it's many others. I hear these little poo butt rappers and their crooning counterparts talking about "lil momma this" and "baby girl that" and it makes me want to slap the black off somebody. You really want to have sex doggiestyle with somebody you call "momma?" Really?

Something is perverse about this whole movement to use terms like daddy and momma to describe people who aren't actually filling anything that resembles a parental role. In fact, I would say that this new state of affairs is even more troubling considering the fact that so many black folks seem to have difficulty filling the roles of daddy and mommy with their actual kids. Seems like men and women are more than happy to partake in the fantasy of being a daddy, mommy or child, but less than eager to actually deal with the harsh realities of those roles.

When did it become acceptable to become an adult searching for a mommy or daddy to engage in a relationship with? When did it become cool to be so incomplete as a human being that you need somebody else to raise you? In my mind that's never going to be cool, but it seems like I'm in the minority these days.

Who wants to be involved with somebody that needs a daddy or mommy? I would wager that the kinds of people seeking out relationships with immature and undeveloped individuals are not exactly the folks that are going to make your life great.

I'm sure that some folks will scoff at my anger. They will point out that I'm taking these songs too literally, that people aren't really looking for mommies and daddies, they just think it sounds sexy in a song. The thing is, I don't buy it. Music either reflects the current reality, or it projects a reality on its listeners that the musician would like to pretend exists.

The current state of black music is a reflection of the lack of development of so many young black people. I don't know when it happened, but clearly we have crossed a threshold where long held beliefs are no longer sacred, and most folks are cool with that. It used to be that being a daddy or mommy meant something more than the physical joining of egg and sperm, but that's changed. It used to be that independence was a sign of adulthood, but that's changed. We've all decided that what's cool now are random exchanges of bodily fluid designed to procure money or gifts or status. It's bogus.

And where are the real parents, dammit?




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Realistically Speaking

There aren't too many things promised to us.

Offhand, I can think of pain and death. I'd add "change" in there on a conditional basis. All of the other things, the inalienable rights that we Americans cling to are only "rights" as long as we're powerful enough to defend them.

Yet, most of the time, we fool ourselves into believing we deserve certain things, or, more accurately, that we have a right to them. Sometimes those things are obviously temporary, like homes, cars and clothes, other times they are more nebulous, like love or happiness. How many relationships and marriages collapse because people believe they are "owed" happiness, only to find out that their partner can't pay the debt?

Realistically speaking, (y'all like how I threw that in there?) life is a constant compromise between our expectations and reality. This does not mean I endorse settling for anything, it's just that I feel that assuming that out-sized expectations are a "right" is just as dangerous as having no standards at all. In my life, I'm learning to reevaluate my expectations, to truly consider which ones are must haves and which ones are disposable.

Each of us has the power to create our own reality to a certain extent, but most of us lack the power to project that reality on to others. Without that power, we truly have very few "rights" because we lack the ability to force others to acknowledge our rights. Our realities are actually quite dependent on other people allowing them to exist.

Realistically speaking, that is.

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Abundance

"Do you ever feel abundant?"

That's what my wife said as we sat together at our kitchen table recently. Our two boys, one a toddler, the other an infant, sat across from us. The youngest one was sitting in the high chair for the first time, while my oldest has moved on to the booster seat. He was kind of giving his brother the side eye because he thinks the baby is moving in on his territory, but things were still pretty calm.

My wife's question was one she's asked me before. She says that sometimes this feeling of abundance wells inside of her. It's a feeling of good will and contentment that she thinks is tied to the existence of our two sons. She wants me to share it.

I mumbled some generic response to her. I've always been afraid of focusing too much on my blessings lest they suddenly be snatched from me and my entire world crumble. It's not that I think God is capricious, or unfair, it's just that I'm not privy to the details of his plan, so sometimes he can seem that way to me. My wife's joy, her happiness, frightened me. Sure, I love my children, but I'm more likely to see them as responsibilities instead of blessings.

But, my wife's comment stuck with me. Had I been too small-minded when thinking about abundance? I work in a field where bad news is the only news, and everyday my co-workers and I wait for the next batch of doom and gloom. I'm the sole breadwinner in my family and the aforementioned wife and children depend on me and God for all of their needs and wants. Despite the fact that my burdens are light when compared to the struggles of many, sometimes I do feel like Atlas, and the weight of my world feels crushing.

Abundance is often the furthest thing from my mind.

Sure, I thank God for his blessings, and on most days I'm content with my lot in life. But, I don't tend to sit around thinking about the abundance I possess. In fact, before this weekend, I would have struggled to think of anything I really had in abundance. Definitely not money, not love, not cars, or home, friends, or family. I felt like I have "enough" of many of those things, but I wouldn't all it an abundance.

But, my wife's comment challenged me to rethink my concept of abundance. Is not a decently paying job, for however long I may have it, an abundance when compared to a man with none? Are not two healthy, happy and beautiful children an abundance when compared to those parents whose children are suffering and dying in hospitals across the world? My marriage, with all of its fault lines and challenges is still an abundance when compared to being trapped in an abusive situation, or being forced to deal with the wreckage of a union that was intended to last forever.

Abundance, like so many thing is life, is about perspective. As I've allowed my perspective to contract, I've allowed my ability to feel abundance to contract as well. Opening my heart and mind to the reality of my life, allows me to enjoy it.




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