Um, If I Were You I Would Duck

Willacy County District Attorney Juan Angel Guerra has balls the size of boulders.

Don't believe me?

Read this story.

Did y'all see that? This cat, who has had his own problems with the law, recently decided that before he left office he was going to indict Vice President Dick Cheney on corruption charges related to abuse in privately-run prisons. Guerra also indicted Alberto Gonzalez and a couple other minor political figures.

That's a brave dude.

We're talking about Dick Cheney, here. The guy who has no problem with torture or releasing the names of CIA operatives to the public. The guy who masterminded the Patriot Act and greatly expanded the powers of the Vice President.

The same Dick Cheney who shot his homeboy in the face and chest with a shotgun and then told the media, in Cartman's voice, "What's the big deal, bitches?"

Yeah, that Dick Cheney. The Geriatric Gatbuster.

Man, I'll admit that I wouldn't eff with Cheney unless I had a gang of politically connected mofos on my team. All that talk swirling around the blogosphere about how Cheney needs to be indicted for his role in torturing terror suspects is just talk. Random folks behind computer screens who wouldn't bust a grape in a fruit fight. Or indict a Vice President if he spit on them.

Couldn't be me. To put it simply, Dick Cheney is filthy rich and super-connected. He could have my big, black ass in Guantanamo faster than I could say "Jolly Roger." (Shout out to the Somali pirates doing their thing. My homegirl is obsessed with them. I think she just wants some water thug-loving.)

I'm joking about my cowardice, but I'm also a little serious. Even though this indictment probably won't go anywhere, it will definitely make the news for a little while. And that could convince news organizations to look into the private prison industry and how it functions. And if the news media starts shining its lights around all those dark corners, I expect a gang of cobwebs to be exposed.

Which is going to eff with somebody's money, right? In our current economic situation, effing with people's money is a good way to get deallt with.

And Dick Cheney doesn't mind riding on punks.

Even though Attorney General Guerra obviously did this to settle old political scores before he leaves office, it's still a fairly ballsy move. After all, he does live in Texas, the beating heart of conservatism and the place that produced our current National Shame. In the land of Bush, I'm pretty sure it's not a good deal to start attacking the lame duck President's right-hand man. I don't care how good your retirement package is, you can still get touched by the feds.

I have to take my hat off to Guerra, he clearly is a man who fears no one.

But, I ain't standing next to his dumb ass in public. Sharpshooters can miss too.

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It Went Wrong Again

I'm talking about keeping it real.

Real talk.

Speaking your mind and letting it all hang out. Honest conversation with no hesitation. Spill your guts and set your soul free!

I'm talking about this bullshit.

For those of y'all too lazy to click on the link, it goes to a story discussing the merits of Michelle Obama's derriere. Yeah, I can already see some of y'all scrolling back up to check that out. For visual proof of Michelle's assets, check the picture above.

So, I stumbled on this article through Racialicious and just knew I had to write about it. That's how the creative process works for me. I'm typically forced to discuss something because I can't hold my feelings inside.

Are we really talking about butts now?

Look, I'll be the first to admit that I noticed right away that Michelle Obama had a fairly "black" shape, or at least what I've been taught to consider a "black" shape. A little small up top, narrow waist, wide hips and hindparts that can definitely fill out some jeans. I'm a man. The first thing every man does when seeing a strange woman is take stock of her face and body. We can't help ourselves.

In fact, I've even mentioned to my wife that Barack Obama made sure there could be no doubt that his wife was a black woman. I said it in an approving way. I felt like Michelle's figure probably was affirming to millions of black women who struggle with reading magazines that condemn their asses. Then they have to shop in stores filled with clothes that weren't created with them in mind.

Her body, just like her background, said something about the president-elect. It told me that he was comfortable around black people, that he found black things attractive. That made me comfortable with him. Now, some of y'all might be bothered by how I used the body of a woman to make decisions about her husband, but I'm just trying to be honest.

That said, I didn't spend too much time discussing it. I definitely didn't think somebody would spend two pages in a national magazine discussing it.

After all, it's a little disrespectful to focus that much attention on that part of the body. Sure, rap music and videos do it, but there is a difference between a video vixen and the wife of the future president. Sometimes it's perfectly acceptable to look and discuss, while other times you need to show some decorum.

For example, I was entering a store the other day, and leaving the building was an thin young lady who appeared to have been blessed by the Lord in her jeans. (Most black men can tell from the front whether someone has been blessed in that way.)

Now normally, I might have taken the time to appreciate God's handiwork. However, not only did this young lady have a neck tattoo, but her significant other, clad in typical "urban" attire, was right next to her. I made an important life decision to keep my eyes on the road, and not turn to catch the scenic view.

See? Decorum.

It's universally accepted that it's pretty disrespectful to ogle another man's woman in public. So, I'm just baffled that nobody wondered whether it would be disrespectful to write about the buttocks of a man's wife for the world to read.

And look, I know that it's disrespectful to Michelle to be treated as a sex object and that she's the one who was truly wronged, but I'm trying to point out how out of bounds this thing was on so many levels. Is this the way First Ladys are typically treated?

To make things worse, this article was written by a black woman who claimed she was celebrating the normalization of black beauty standards on a national stage. This was right after she pointed out that she doesn't think Obama's election is a cure-all for racial oppression. So, if I'm to understand her correctly, she thinks that having a big-butted Southsider as First Lady will eliminate the idiotic European standard of beauty prevalent in America, but the first black president won't really be that big a deal? Interesting.

You would think a black woman would be sensitive to the idea that maybe it's disrespectful to discuss the size of a black woman's butt in a magazine that caters to mostly white people. I would have assumed that a black woman would have had the good sense to question whether a tongue-in-cheek tone was the best way to comment on beauty standards and racial stereotypes. But, you know what they say about assumptions.

Instead, we got an article that weds some nuggets of insight about the black female experience, with ridiculous assertions about the importance of a big butt. It just seemed like the writer was trying to discuss a serious topic in a humorous way, but failed because the topic has not been discussed enough by the mainstream media. If Salon actually had a history of discussing racial stereotypes in beauty this would have worked much better. They don't, and it didn't.

Keeping it real went all the way wrong

Our Turn Now

"(There is) a large subset of white people in this country who feel that they are losing everything they know, that the country their forefathers built has somehow been stolen from them."

Mark Potok of the Southern Poverty Law Center, commenting on the dramatic increase in the number of racially motivated crimes occurring across the country since Barack Obama's victory

I was afraid of this.

Shout out to my faithful reader the Original Glamazon who put me on to game. I don't partake in the whole Facebook or Myspace deal, so I wouldn't have known. But, apparently some of my paler brethren are a little frightened because they're worried that black people are collectively shouting the title of this blog. Wait, check that, they are actually scared black folks are saying something a little more blunt.

Move bitch, get out the way.

*Sigh*

After all these years, it's funny how little white people seem to know about black people. Remember the uproar when Michelle Obama gave her husband a little love on stage? One fist bump had every news organization in the world writing front page pieces on how black people express affection and some white folks were honestly threatened. Terrorist fist jab anyone?

My white readers, are you and your friends really worried that it's payback time now? Nah, I can't believe that. After all, 44 percent of y'all voted for a Negro for president. That wouldn't have happened if y'all thought he was going to only help black people. I'm sure that if y'all suspected black people were going to get cute once Obama won, he would have been dead on arrival.

Look, black people have been waiting too long for this day risk effing it up. We are going to be on our best behavior. Sure, there will be some bad apples, but for the most part, black people are all working to insure that Obama is not the first and last black president. We want our kids to have a shot.

That's why, I'm going to chalk up the recent white backlash against Obama to sour grapes and just let it slide. No need for me to take any serious action or give a serious comment. Folks are a little scared and they did some dumb stuff.

Besides, black people do not want to get white folks riled up. After all, white people are the masters of catchback. Not only do white people not let go of slights, but they make up stuff to get angry about. Just ask all that strange fruit in the South.

I think we as black people are going to have to get on our collective jobs as Magical Negroes and soothe the angst and fear among the white population. We have to let our pale brethren know that things will be all right for them, that we are not taking over the country. After all, it'll be much easier for us to run shit if we let them believe they are still in charge. It'll be kind of like being married.

Here are a few tips make white people comfortable with this whole transition of power...Uh, I mean comfortable with having a colored president:

1. Do not sing "My president is black and my lambo is blue..." while working in the office. Not only do you not have a lambo, reminding white people that you think of Obama as "your" president only reinforces their fears.

2. You cannot have an Obama t-shirt for everyday of the week, and your Obama t-shirt should not be worn to large gatherings of white people. That means no Obama t-shirts at Target or Whole Foods market. Sure, those liberals might have voted for him too, but seeing you decked out in the Obama shirt, hat and Air Force Ones still might scare them.

3. Screaming out "It's Obama time" while watching CNN at work is unacceptable. It just is. Sorry. Save that for your couch.

4. Do not respond to criticism of Obama with "Don't make me get my knife." Even if you are joking, white people will not understand. Obama is a big boy, he doesn't need you to lose your job. People can disagree with the president. It's their right.

5. Finally, if you cut someone off in traffic, or get into an argument period, do not use your hand to form an "O" and then say "What?" That is just out of bounds. Black people are not part of a gang, and Obama is not an OG. Just don't do it.


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First Time Around

A funny skit from Richard Pryor about his thoughts on the press conferences the first black president might have to face. Shout out to my friends over at Sports on My Mind for the video.






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